第３２２堀：そんなことより (Part2)
"Ah, I suppose that’s true. And that’s why, when I get home from work, my daughters will call out 'Papa' for me."
"Yes. You may be busy with work, but please do your best. Sumire, Sakura, and everyone else—we are all waiting for Papa, for our husband’s return."
With those words, Seraria and Rurua took the children’s hands and waved, bringing the video to an end.
"There you have it. I need to see my children as soon as possible."
"I’m convinced. I’m coming with you."
As if I’d ever allow that.
"Don't be an idiot. Luna, you’re the witness for this duel. You have to stay here until Hifi and the others say they give up. I haven't set a time limit, after all."
"Ha!? Y-Yuki, you don't mean!!"
"You wouldn't go back on your own word, would you, Goddess Luna—a high-ranking deity?"
"Nngghhh..."
"Or would you rather declare me the loser for fleeing the battlefield? I don't mind if you give the win to Hifi and the others. Though, after that, you’ll be stuck talking to them and buried in paperwork for the rest of your life."
"Y-You...!!"
There is no way I’m bringing such a noisy creature back to my home. Who knows what kind of bad influence she’d have on the children?
Well, since she might actually get serious and abandon her duties, I should take some precautions.
"Don't worry. I’ll have food delivered here. And I’ll make sure you get some laughs, too."
"Laughs?"
"Yeah. You guys, get ready."
" " "You got it." " "
Stepping forward were the monsters: Surakichi-san, Steve, and John.
As planned, they began by sticking signs onto the three captives.
"Pfft—bwahahaha...!! S-stop, my stomach hurts, stop it!!"
The one who suddenly let out a vulgar laugh was Luna. She is, in every sense of the word, a useless goddess.
As for what kind of signs were stuck on them...
On Hifi: "Currently in a state of excitement. Do not approach. Danger." It looked like a warning sign at a zoo.
On Comet: "Will vomit. Do not feed." Based on her recent performance.
On Taizo: "Elderly. Please leave him be." ...Wait, I feel like Taizo’s is the most brutal one.
I left the wording to Steve and the others, but it’s quite accurate—or rather, scathing. Well, they’re off-duty today and I dragged them out, so they must have some pent-up frustration.
"G-you are..."
"Oh, hello."
The one offering that greeting was John, who had previously severed Comet’s arm. It seems it was intentional that John was the one to stick the sign on her, and Comet remembered it, too.
"...Don't tell me, you're one of Yuki's?"
"That's right. To think you'd try to pick a fight with General Yuki. Well, I have sympathy for you... just a little."
Saying that, he began preparing the camera.
"W-wait, what? What does this mean!? Yuki!?"
Perhaps feeling anxious about what was about to happen to them, Comet couldn't help but ask me.
"No, I’m just providing some entertainment so Luna doesn't get bored until Hifi and the others say 'I give up'."
"...Entertainment, huh? That means..."
"Yes. Since Hifi and the others are the ones causing trouble, you’ll have to put your bodies on the line."
I handed Luna the lottery box I’d received from Steve.
"What’s this?"
"A penalty game for those three. It’s a lottery system. Do it until you’re satisfied. If they try to escape in the middle, I’ll come back, and if they don't surrender, the penalty games will continue indefinitely. These three will prepare and execute all the tools for the penalties themselves."
"Oh, like a 'Don't Laugh' challenge?"
"Exactly."
"Wooo-hoo!! That sounds fun!!"
A sadistic, useless goddess was born right here. She immediately shoved her hand into the box, drew a slip, and checked the contents.
"Let’s see, what’s this? 'Eat an octopus. If you can't, get hit on the butt with a bat!!' Hahaha!! Start the preparations immediately!! And make sure to keep the camera on Hifi and Comet! Taizo probably won't be fazed by an octopus!!"
She’s really getting into it.
Right, time for me to go home. My wife and children are waiting.
I passed by Surakichi-san, who was holding an octopus, and heard high-pitched screams from behind me.
...I suppose Hifi and the others, being from inland, aren't used to eating octopus. Well, maybe I should add a penalty where they have to watch the recording of this later.
Thinking about such things, I found myself already running.
"I’m coming home now!!"
It’s only natural for anyone to prioritize their family over a bunch of idiots.
"Yes, Hifi, Comet, out!"
"Luna-sama!! There’s no way we can eat this demon!!"
"W-wait, John, was it? If you hit my butt with your strength, I’ll go flying, won't I? Eh? You’ll hold back? No, no, before that, I’m a maiden and you’re an Orc... Wait, wait—!!"
*Whack!!*
"Hau!?"
"Ouch—!?"
"...Is there any soy sauce and wasabi?"
"Here you go."
"Oh, thanks. Man, octopus is delicious after a long time."
No matter what grand cause you hold up, what justice you claim, or what thoughts you harbor... you have no right to involve outsiders. Before they could even speak of their grand cause, they had already been defeated by Yuki!
Never mind their actual strength.
Traps are fundamentally about evolution. The classic combo of a trapdoor, a cage, and a dungeon cell.
Listen, I’ll say it again: do you really think I’ll take your "serious" act seriously? Serious things are as fragile as cereal.
"Tony, I'm so hungry I have no energy."
"When that happens, have some Kellogg's Corn Flakes!"
" "Great!!" "
You’ve all eaten that, right? You’ve had a breakfast like that at least once?
What? You say that’s serious? No, no, it turns into cereal. Because that’s only natural, right?
Anyone who gets in the way of a happy family will be kicked by a horse, break through the atmosphere, and burn up!
Well then, next time, before the explanation of the situation being resolved, it’s the "Hifi succumbs to the penalty game" arc.
"Hifi, Comet, out!"
"This is terrible!!"
"Why me too!? I’m safe! I’m safe, I tell you!!"
Cracks begin to form in the beautiful friendship of women!!