Visit to the Sick — Guest Chamber at Kiiwa Castle

The room prepared for me was on the second floor, facing the southern garden just after the stairs. The interior, touched by the gentle western sun, was styled in soft shades of red and white, a delightfully charming space. The furniture—a grand bed with an ornate canopy, a dressing table with delicate cat's-legs, and lace curtains of sheer satin adorned with tiny flowers and butterflies—gave it the air of a princess's chamber.

It must be a room reserved for noble daughters or foreign dignitaries’ wives.

I told the servant I wished to be alone, and after my luggage was brought in, I sank into the sofa in the room, lost in thought.

What was wrong with my greeting just now? What could have angered Grandmother… Was it because I did not hold my back straight, weary from the carriage ride… Or perhaps my skirt’s fold was too loose… I ponder and ponder, yet no answer comes.

And why must I alone not address Grandfather and Grandmother by their titles… Do I still not have their recognition as family…?

A vague unease wraps around me.

And why was I alone not given a room on the upper floor?

Though I am grateful for the second-floor room, as I told the elder brothers, my legs do ache from travel—still, being alone… the only one here on this floor… it begins to feel strangely lonely.

I was two years old the last time I came to this domain, so my memory is faint, but I recall vaguely holding Mother’s hand and sleeping beside her. That must mean we slept on the same floor.

Why? How? I ponder, yet finding answers to such questions is not easy.

When Grandfather and Grandmother visited the mansion in the Imperial Capital, they did not treat me this way. Grandmother was stern, yes, but she never spoke falsely or harshly toward me.

I could think of no reason for being disliked other than blood relation.

At such a time, I remembered something Mother once said long ago: “I do not wish for you to be hurt by words like ‘It doesn’t matter’ or ‘I’m nothing.’”

My origin cannot be changed now, nor do I bear any guilt toward it. I love the family that loves me.

Moreover, Grandmother was not the kind of person who would deliberately do something meaningless or wrong. This matter, too, must surely have meaning.

As I thought this, my heart grew somewhat calmer.

By the time I noticed, the evening clouds were drifting across the sky.