The trembling of the heart
Why has it come to this…
I am now in the western parlor.
Our household servants are all capable, so even when no guests are present, the parlor is kept immaculate.
This parlor is a botanical space, its theme green, yet I cannot find calm within it.
Something is different—every piece of furniture, every arrangement—something out of place, and though it is my own home, I feel unsettled.
Moving rooms would have been no difficulty at all… yet I cannot help but think that if only I had my dear friend’s letters and gifts within reach, even in this sudden upheaval, I might have soothed my restless heart.
I do not understand why I was blamed then… I wish it were only my imagination, but Stella sister looked down at me as she ascended the stairs, her smile triumphant…
Perhaps I am not held in good regard after all.
I had heard beforehand about the environment in which Stella-sama had been raised. If I had been in her position, I am certain I would have found it unbearable. And if one suffers oneself, yet sees strangers treated with kindness in one’s own home, enjoying a life of ease, resentment would naturally rise.
Yet it is not my fault…
I would have wished, if possible, to live in harmony…
Though I wrestled with such thoughts, merely dwelling on them would bring no resolution.
I considered whether to take a walk in the garden or go to the library, and decided on a stroll. I rang the bell to summon a servant, intending to request my walking shoes and gown. But no one came.
I gave up on the walk and headed toward the library, when I noticed the second floor growing noisy.
The commotion came from the room that was my elder sister’s private chamber.
Peering from a distance, I saw several maids and Doctor Carp entering the room.
Perhaps a medical examination, since she has been unwell… I pray it does not worsen…
Thinking this, I quietly withdrew from the scene and made my way to the library.
The library welcomed me with its usual stillness.
As I read a few books, I realized the surroundings had grown completely dark.
That is strange… Normally by this hour someone would have come looking for me…
No doubt she was occupied.
After placing the book back on the shelf, I turned toward the dining hall. The hour should have been just after dinner began, as usual.
From the dining hall, laughter drifted through the air.
I have not yet taken my seat…
No, I am the one who is late. And this is, after all, scarcely more than a first family gathering in name, so it is only natural that the conversation would not truly flourish with one absent.
I knock and wait, but no permission to enter comes.
I knock again and wait, and Fret Elder opens the door, his expression puzzled.
“You were ignored and cried when Stella came to check on you just now? And now you’re late for the first family dinner together—what exactly do you think you’re doing?”
I am stunned, speechless. I had been in the library until just moments ago, and I haven’t seen Stella since we parted at the entrance…
“I apologize for being late… however—”
“Ah, never mind. Stella said she didn’t mind. Get to your seat quickly.”
He gestures me to my seat, which is not beside Mother as usual, but the one always occupied by Fret Elder.
The usual seat is taken by my elder sister. Next to her sits Mother and Fret Elder, and my neighbor is Alex Elder.
The meal had reached the point where the appetizers and soup had been cleared, and the fish course was being brought in.
What is this? Though the entire family was present, I am neither here nor not here—like air, invisible and unacknowledged. Conversations pass before me, never once turning to include me…
As usual, I handed the cutlery to Alex Elder, and he said, “Don’t go about treating me like a sick man.” I was startled. When I brought up the topic of the academy, Cain Elder replied, “Stella still doesn’t know anything about the academy. How thoughtless.”
Even the usual delicious meal tasted dull and lifeless…
I barely remember how I returned to my room.
The botanical-patterned guest chamber still feels unfamiliar. On the bed without a canopy, I lay there, undignified, still in my daytime dress.
My swirling thoughts were pulled back into reality by a soft knock. When I said, “Come in,” the familiar face of a red-haired girl with freckles entered.
She was Alyssa. Daughter of Martha, my personal maid since last year, and my childhood friend.
Before I could ask what was amiss, she bowed deeply, with sudden urgency.
“Miss Spica, I have come to pay my respects. From today onward, I am to serve Miss Stella. Though brief, I am truly grateful to have served you, Miss Spica.”
Her voice broke at the end, choked with tears and stifled sobs. I understood then—this transfer was not of her own will.
I gently embraced Alyssa.
Alyssa had offered to come and assist whenever she had time, until her new assignment was decided, but I declined. My elder sister had only just arrived at the manor; she must surely feel lost and alone. I wished for Alyssa to stay close by her side, to offer comfort and support—just as I had been supported by Alyssa’s presence. Upon saying this, Alyssa suddenly saluted, her voice bright with resolve. “Yes! Your unworthy servant shall strive with all my might!” She was a curious one, that Alyssa. And somehow, I felt my own strength returning.
Then, suddenly, she slipped from my arm and retreated down the corridor with a soft, “Wait just a moment.” I blinked, puzzled, but she returned shortly. In her arms was a wagon piled high with my personal belongings.
“Well, what’s this? You must have found this quite a burden!”
I brought these forward, thinking only of the items Stella-sama will need starting tomorrow! Most of the dresses and accessories were said to be transferred from Spica-sama to Stella-sama, so I thought it best to bring them now, before Spica-sama finds herself in difficulty!
Upon closer inspection, only the essentials were selected—school uniforms, textbooks, personal letters, and the accessories she has always worn.
“Alyssa… truly, thank you. I hadn’t thought so far ahead. And the letters, the accessories… I am deeply grateful.”
…Spica-sama, I must speak with great hesitation, but Stella-sama has already had several cosmetics, dresses, and accessories claimed through Her Ladyship’s authority…
Such things as cosmetics are not a concern—there are backups. But the dresses and accessories… those were gifts from Your Highness and Ana. To give them away without permission would be a grave offense, and no complaint could be made.
I hurriedly checked and found several missing. This must be told to Mother…
I suppressed the pain in my head and thanked Alyssa once more. She said she would return soon and left.
In the end, Alyssa’s judgment was correct. After speaking with Mother the next morning, we managed to return the gifts from Your Highness and Ana. But the majority of personal items were to be lent out until Miss Stella had her own daily necessities.
Though she has not yet enrolled in the academy, I cannot help but feel gratitude toward Alyssa—had it not been for her, even academy supplies might have been handed over to my elder sister.
Even if it was said that my elder sister’s daily necessities would be provided, what had they planned for me in the meantime…
No, she must be entirely occupied with her own affairs.
Since I am able to attend the academy without issue, I should simply be content with that…
I had thought so, with a measure of optimism, but the unbearable discomfort of this house has already begun to wear me down. I have worn the same outfit from the greeting day, the uniform Alyssa brought, and three sets of everyday clothes, rotating them these past few days. Without a personal maid to assist me now, no one helps with my morning face washing, nor my dressing.
Even my meals fail to pass my throat, just as they had that day.
Yet while I am at the academy, I manage to remain calm and composed.
I made a single proposal to my parents. Had it been earlier, it would have been rejected without question. But now, with circumstances changed, they granted it without hesitation.
Now I may live a little more peacefully…